Thinking trap
Unfair comparison
You compare your worst day to someone's highlight reel. And lose. Every time.
How it sounds
- “My peers already have a house, a family, and their own business. And me?”
- “My friend has such a harmonious relationship, and something is always wrong with ours.”
- “A colleague my age is already a manager, so I'm falling behind.”
How to spot it
Your mood drops after social media or a class reunion. You compare your inside with other people's outside, pick the most successful to compare with, and always in the area where you are weakest.
Where it comes from
Comparison helps us see where we stand, and there is nothing wrong with that. It becomes a trap when the comparison is unfair: your worst day against someone else's best, while the cost of their success stays invisible.
How to get out of it
Try asking yourself
I don't know what it cost them. The only fair comparison is with who I was yesterday.
A three-step practice
- Notice what leaves you feeling worse and cut down the time you spend on it.
- Compare yourself with yourself a year ago: what has changed, what have you learned?
- Turn envy into a hint: looking at this person, what exactly do I want for myself?
What to take next
- 2 minAnxietySeven questions about the last two weeks. A short screening doctors use.
- 2 minDepressionNine questions about the last two weeks. A screening doctors use all over the world.
- 2 minPerfectionismDoes the high bar help or hurt? Two scales: what you demand of yourself, and how short you feel you fall.
Based on the classification by Aaron Beck and David Burns (Feeling Good, 1980). This is a self-awareness tool, not a replacement for therapy. If you recognize too much of yourself here and it's getting in the way, that's not something to be ashamed of - it's a reason to come talk.