Thinking trap
Personalization
You take everything happening around you personally. Even the weather. Even someone else's bad mood.
How it sounds
- “My partner came home tired and quiet - it must be because of me.”
- “The team missed its target, so it's all down to me as the manager.”
- “My child got a bad mark, so I'm failing as a parent.”
How to spot it
Your first thought in any unpleasant situation is “it's because of me” or “I should have prevented it”. Other people's moods, their decisions and plain chance land on you as personal responsibility and guilt.
Where it comes from
It is often a habit from a childhood in which the child felt responsible for the adults' moods. Personalization gives an illusion of control: if everything depends on me, I can fix everything.
How to get out of it
Try asking yourself
Other people have their own reasons for what they feel. It isn't always about me.
A three-step practice
- Draw a “circle of responsibility”: list every cause of the event and mark which share is really yours.
- Separate influence from blame: having some influence over something doesn't make you guilty of it.
- Ask the person what is going on with them before you take it on yourself.
What to take next
- 2 minAnxietySeven questions about the last two weeks. A short screening doctors use.
- 2 minDepressionNine questions about the last two weeks. A screening doctors use all over the world.
- 2 minPerfectionismDoes the high bar help or hurt? Two scales: what you demand of yourself, and how short you feel you fall.
Based on the classification by Aaron Beck and David Burns (Feeling Good, 1980). This is a self-awareness tool, not a replacement for therapy. If you recognize too much of yourself here and it's getting in the way, that's not something to be ashamed of - it's a reason to come talk.