Thinking trap
Should statements
An inner voice that constantly says “should”. You should be more successful, calmer, better. Miss the mark and guilt arrives.
How it sounds
- “I should have handled this alone, without help.”
- “My partner should work out what I need without being told.”
- “I'm not allowed to be tired until everything is done.”
How to spot it
Your inner dialogue is full of “should”, “must”, “have to”, “not allowed”, “ought to have”. Duty replaces wanting and choosing, and falling short brings guilt toward yourself, or anger at others when they were the ones who “should” have.
Where it comes from
“Should” rules often speak in the voice of parents, school or culture. Once they helped you be accepted, but in adulthood they turn into a strict inner code that can never be fully met.
How to get out of it
Try asking yourself
Where does this “should” come from? Who decided? What if it were “I want to” or “I can”?
A three-step practice
- Notice the “should” and ask: who made this rule, and what happens if I break it?
- Replace “should” with “I want to”, “it matters to me” or “it would be good to” and see what changes.
- Keep the rules that are truly yours and go easier on the rest.
What to take next
- 2 minAnxietySeven questions about the last two weeks. A short screening doctors use.
- 2 minDepressionNine questions about the last two weeks. A screening doctors use all over the world.
- 2 minPerfectionismDoes the high bar help or hurt? Two scales: what you demand of yourself, and how short you feel you fall.
Based on the classification by Aaron Beck and David Burns (Feeling Good, 1980). This is a self-awareness tool, not a replacement for therapy. If you recognize too much of yourself here and it's getting in the way, that's not something to be ashamed of - it's a reason to come talk.