Thinking trap
Mind reading
You're certain you know what someone else is thinking. Usually it's something bad. About you.
How it sounds
- “She looked at me like that - she must think I'm incompetent.”
- “My friend replied “ok” with no emoji, so she's upset with me.”
- “They only nodded out of politeness at the interview, I'm clearly not what they want.”
How to spot it
You respond to what the other person “really thought” rather than what they said. A neutral face, a short message or a slow reply feels like proof that they are displeased.
Where it comes from
We are social creatures, and guessing other people's intentions is a useful skill. But when it is full of anxiety, the brain fills the gaps with the worst version, usually the one we already believe about ourselves.
How to get out of it
Try asking yourself
I don't actually know what she's thinking. She might just be tired.
A three-step practice
- Separate fact from guess: what exactly did the person say or do?
- Come up with three other explanations for their behaviour that have nothing to do with you.
- If it matters, ask directly: “It seemed like something bothered you. Is that right?”
What to take next
- 2 minAnxietySeven questions about the last two weeks. A short screening doctors use.
- 2 minDepressionNine questions about the last two weeks. A screening doctors use all over the world.
- 2 minPerfectionismDoes the high bar help or hurt? Two scales: what you demand of yourself, and how short you feel you fall.
Based on the classification by Aaron Beck and David Burns (Feeling Good, 1980). This is a self-awareness tool, not a replacement for therapy. If you recognize too much of yourself here and it's getting in the way, that's not something to be ashamed of - it's a reason to come talk.