Thinking trap
Disqualifying the positive
Good stuff doesn't count. “Lucky”, “coincidence”, “they just felt sorry for me”. The bad is what's real.
How it sounds
- “They complimented me, but they were just being polite. The work is actually weak.”
- “He says he loves me, but only because he doesn't really know me.”
- “The project went in on time, but anyone could have done that.”
How to spot it
You want to argue with a compliment straight away, success gets put down to luck or other people's help, and your own achievements seem like “nothing special”. The good seems to pass through a sieve and leave nothing behind.
Where it comes from
It is often linked to low self-esteem: the good doesn't match what the person thinks of themselves, so it gets discarded. Sometimes fear is behind it: admit a success and people will start expecting more.
How to get out of it
Try asking yourself
What if it really was good? Why is it so hard for me to accept that?
A three-step practice
- Answer a compliment with a simple “thank you”, no buts.
- Keep a list of your successes and add even the small ones.
- Ask yourself: would I call the same success luck if a friend had it?
What to take next
- 2 minAnxietySeven questions about the last two weeks. A short screening doctors use.
- 2 minDepressionNine questions about the last two weeks. A screening doctors use all over the world.
- 2 minPerfectionismDoes the high bar help or hurt? Two scales: what you demand of yourself, and how short you feel you fall.
Based on the classification by Aaron Beck and David Burns (Feeling Good, 1980). This is a self-awareness tool, not a replacement for therapy. If you recognize too much of yourself here and it's getting in the way, that's not something to be ashamed of - it's a reason to come talk.